This is a more literal outlet, things i don't have to code in poetry but things i want to talk/write about.
Putting them on here is like releasing them from my brain all the pepped up rabble about how i'm feeling, what particular mindset i was im at a certain time of year, archives baby.
So 3rd year is ugly stressful, i didn't think it would be easy but this is totally not what i had expected and its almost over. Right now i'm comfortable, I've gotten comfortable in this student mindset and from what i can tell the real world is nothing like we've been taught for the past 3 years, which brings me to the whole "is this worth it" conundrum (that's a 13,000 word report i'd at least find some joy in writing) when this independence is taken from me briefly i dare to think how it will go.
I'm feeling pretty neutral about everything right now with a splash of anxiety for the next year and what it will bring.
After years of cold calculation my ideal job as a corpse is a pretty unrealistic goal. you could goul'ify yourself in so many ways and the pay off would be great! but not practical, and i'm all about practicality! the looming fear that things will get more complex is crippling no doubt! and the sarcasm still only helps slightly.
I lack purpose and i feel 100% aware of myself, I've studied myself for years but i haven't loved me for years and with age comes realization that knowledge and love are not even close as vague as that description is.
with more uni work comes the pushing away of my art and with so much to pursue its a real dampener to see it all be pushed to the side. I have some pieces in the works and each new day brings inspiration, no matter how dull and repetitive the day is. my mind has this habit of running a lot of "what ifs" and randomized scenarios through my head and although its enjoyable it has kept me up times i'd rather have been sleeping and some of them do make me question my sanity a little bit.
So! i wont be posting poetry as frequently until this cluster fuck year is over but i can post some pieces that i abandoned if that is something anyone would be interested in? and i have other things to pursue at the moment, poetry and writing has taken the front seat of my life for the last 4 years and i'd like to give music a try,i'm 4 tracks into a mix-tape and i'm having a'lot of fun with it! (it's for fun), i enjoy rapping and i dare say i'm in love with music but I've even brought a guitar! and i'm thinking of doing a bad drawing every now and then too.
Peace
J
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