VidyaGame Rehash

This systems ancient,
The controllers some prehistoric mess someone thought would be “innovative” and “cool.
I put it down years ago; and It hasn’t moved since.
Nothing’s changed, it’s still the same nostalgic beauty it’s always been,
It still handles like your dream ride,
It still sounds like the art you wish you could understand,
And the few that played it have given it stellar reviews.
But I still can’t complete it.
Sometimes I let myself believe I can,
The hype is there and my timing seems perfect.
In the end it seems futile, But I never give up,
Restart, repeat, continue… Game over.
Again and again.
I bet it all on the game I think I’m good at,
But lose when its rules restrict me.
I could cheat to win but would i win?
And all of a sudden it’s not a game anymore. 

 
(The first thing my Alice asked me to write was about how i was feeling, i wrote my life in comparison to a game of chess. It was my first piece of poetry, first vent and it felt amazing.. i find coming back to childhood love gives me a great sense of security and using it to relate to how i’m feeling now makes everything a little better)

Blind Old Man

I want to see you for everything you are, 
I want to be the one to have it all, i want you to let me.
The need to feel is gone, i may as well explode.
But if you asked to know me, id never let it happen.
I am just conscience at the bottom of a pit,
You are the light at the surface.
No one can see me how i see myself…
So just let me see you.

Hipsters.

If this blade was meant for my wrist, then why is it that I can’t cut? 

If this noose fits tight round my neck, then why hesitate to give up?       

If this task is so easy to accomplish, why do i feel so ashamed?           

If this life i have was gifted to me, then who am i going to blame?

I drink until I forget the world or smoke until i'm no more                     

This life I live and breathe and feel, 
Yet these feelings are never secure.  

If it means the end of the world for me I've been high, I've been low and can quit 

But this loss of love on many account feels pretty fucking shit.

If i sit and dwell these thoughts collide,

The result of which drove me mad,

Crazy to think i cared for nothing, content with what i once had.

If these pills will put me to sleep, I should take them all and go under.

Why is it when I’m close to the edge, My mind and my heart both sunder.

The Most Vivid Nightmare - The Tides Begin

It drifts to me at the edge of sleep ,
Once the days “adventure” ends, 

The tides begin.

I’m chained by the neck to an desolate beach, it’s hot.
There’s a low hum that vibrates the sand, 

The floor slithers with grains.

Focus is impossible.

The vastness,

The emptiness,
Something makes it clear how inevitable escape is,
The sea is paint, thick and heavy,

A blend of unimportant colors.

Behind me I hear someone call my name,
The chain tightens and I am dragged to the floor, 

The pain eclipsed by my curiosity,

Unable to turn and see who it is.
“You were never worthy” he shouts, she shouts; they shout.
Laughing and giggling as I helplessly claw at the sand to find the chains origins.
Mute and blind with legs of lead,

I strike my own temple and the voices stop.
My head, struck and ringing like a bell,

Vibrates down the chain slowly; obviously.

The tides color remains unassuming, unimportant,
The humming chain shatters.

I run for hours into nothing,

sand suspended tickling my ankles,

The voices return and chase me,
I could only hit myself so many times, 

I fell to the sand bloody and shaken.
I've run out of strength, 

I'm so hot,

My essence steams from my wounds and bruises,

I struggle for air,
My whole body is a furnace and I’m crying for salvation.

The sea, so unimportant like its colors, 

It cradles me into its depths. 

It’s so cold.
I struggle at first,

Thick, chilled, blends of blue paint suffocate me.
I choke and cough but I never drown,
the fires in my lungs which engulfed my body,

Now smothered, 

The voices and him became nothing and so did I.

Where i'm @ - The Room

My room is to big,
My room is to cold,
The house that I live in is defiantly old.

The floor is hardwood,
It echoes and creeks,
The double bed has to Much room in it’s sheets.

I can’t find a job,
I've looked everywhere,
The stress makes me want to just pull out my hair.

Love was an issue,
A blue sea of doubt,
But now I sit here in a sorrowful drought.

My friends are all gone,
And so is my pride,
I spend most my day all cooped up Inside.

I’m trying to get fit,
I’m trying to get well,
But I can’t fix my head and I’m trapped in my cell.

Maybe it’s all of you,
But I’m going crazy,
Some close friends I thought could not be this lazy.

I just want to vent to someone else rather,
Than my old sweet and supporting grandfather.

I don’t have a father to carry the burden.
And I still blame myself, for this I am certain.

I don’t know what I want,
I don’t know who I am,
The facade I make now i assume is a sham.

Time goes forward And so shall I,
Until I decide it’s my time to die. 

The Slumber'less Hate

34 hours without sleep does wonders on the brain:

I just,
I just wish,
Sometimes i wish i had a father, 

Only sometimes,
I have much disdain,
I have so many feelings others didn't deserve, 

But he did,

I'm Sure he could've handled it,

I'm wrong just writing that.

I wish someone could harbor all this with me, 

Everyone else is full to the brim, 

I cant bare to let them spill; even at my own expense.

Its a vicious cycle,

Wasn't i good enough? 

Was I sacred? 

Will i be? 

I don't know him, could i be him?
I'm hateful and covetous.
I brew in dreams of shared sorrow,

I bathe in the despair,

Huddled in it glow like the rays of the sun,
Why do you get the great start? 

Who teaches me?

Why am i bitter?

I'm a suborn cup who wont admit he's full,
But i cant break myself, 

Its too hard to do alone, 

My insides are stained
I cant bare to write this, 

My ego's fighting me back,
Most of my work dies with what little pride sparks it.

Swallowed by the fear of judgment,

Father figure worried about me,
We're the same and he tries so hard,
I feel so useless, 

so confused,
What am i doing?
What the fuck am i doing?

Pew Pew Pew. I'm going to bed now.

"Pro"-Longing

I miss her, this is a different type of longing.
Maybe its evolved, maybe its changed? I still need her though.
But i wonder if she still needs me?
My hardwood floors echo at night and it gets ever so cold
i lie wondering if she hears me in her quiet little room
If shes warm? if shes happy? Its a sedative.
I thought i would love this bed, but there is so much room and so little me
Even as it rains and thunders here I cant help but wish everything is going well
Maybe its not for the better
But at least its still there