Update: 1

I'll do this update thing every sort of 4-6 poems or something.
This is a more literal outlet, things i don't have to code in poetry but things i want to talk/write about.
Putting them on here is like releasing them from my brain all the pepped up rabble about how i'm feeling, what particular mindset i was im at a certain time of year, archives baby.

So 3rd year is ugly stressful, i didn't think it would be easy but this is totally not what i had expected and its almost over. Right now i'm comfortable, I've gotten comfortable in this student mindset and from what i can tell the real world is nothing like we've been taught for the past 3 years, which brings me to the whole "is this worth it" conundrum (that's a 13,000 word report i'd at least find some joy in writing) when this independence is taken from me briefly i dare to think how it will go.

I'm feeling pretty neutral about everything right now with a splash of anxiety for the next year and what it will bring.

I took time out of my night to literally draw my feels in paint. ------>

After years of cold calculation my ideal job as a corpse is a pretty unrealistic goal. you could goul'ify yourself in so many ways and the pay off would be great! but not practical, and i'm all about practicality! the looming fear that things will get more complex is crippling no doubt! and the sarcasm still only helps slightly.
I lack purpose and i feel 100% aware of myself, I've studied myself for years but i haven't loved me for years and with age comes realization that knowledge and love are not even close as vague as that description is.

with more uni work comes the pushing away of my art and with so much to pursue its a real dampener to see it all be pushed to the side. I have some pieces in the works and each new day brings inspiration, no matter how dull and repetitive the day is. my mind has this habit of running a lot of "what ifs" and randomized scenarios through my head and although its enjoyable it has kept me up times i'd rather have been sleeping and some of them do make me question my sanity a little bit.

So! i wont be posting poetry as frequently until this cluster fuck year is over but i can post some pieces that i abandoned if that is something anyone would be interested in? and i have other things to pursue at the moment, poetry and writing has taken the front seat of my life for the last 4 years and i'd like to give music a try,i'm 4 tracks into a mix-tape and i'm having a'lot of fun with it! (it's for fun), i enjoy rapping and i dare say i'm in love with music but I've even brought a guitar! and i'm thinking of doing a bad drawing every now and then too.

Peace
J

New Year New Blues

Grateful for wasted time,
A year, a month, a week or day.
Nothing has changed, there is no peace,
And rain like war is constant in life,
When you look from within what do you see?
Because the reflection i'm seeing says otherwise,
Feed on deception you're caked from head to toe,
The mirror can cut but shows the sharp truth,
Watch a first world offender wield a scalpel,
Picture healing turned to branding,
Bitter like the child inside him,
He’s a boy and a man, 
And the man punishes the boy.
The same sentence to silence,

The same step for the ill-behaved,
Justified to a court of doppelgangers,

Though you could easily be one of them,
You could bare the fruits of a labor undone,

And once the guilty shares their spoils,
Everybody eats regardless of their shame.
So respond to a responsibility and take hold of a destiny,
Hopefully more interesting than your own,
Or be a lowly creature,
But decide.  Because the guideline is higher than you. 

Don't be scared. Be confused and driven.
Happy new year btw my like, 4 readers.

I have: Questions 2

What parts of me do you see when you look at someone else?
What kind of person do you turn to when you've lost yourself?
What would you be if not for me, an alternate i'd dare to see
For all that pain and intimacy, maybe the dream was to far.
Was i right to hold you tight, when this is where we are.

Whats it mean to be alone when comforts all you know?
When vanity is plain to see and covering your woes
Inside your head actions project the wounds you're yet to show
Confined inside a sealed mind, secrets we never speak.
Whats made you stronger makes me proud and also makes me weak.

Whats your outlet when you hit rock bottom?
Whats the limit on the things you've forgotten?
In what hell could i forget your smell
As if my senses were rotten
Were we blissful? or were we small?
Was love the trip, or was it the fall?
Was love the spouts, or was it the brawl?
Was love a part or did you love it all.

Star Thief

Stars in the skies
Trapped in your eyes
As bright as the sun rise
So bright that i might have tried
Anything, just to get inside
Anything, i would have fucking lied
Empathy, nearly fucking died
Humanity, lost its fucking mind
For the value placed on your kind
No one could resit your shine
You should be all mine, mate
Until then its cloud 8.