Only you can overcome the struggle that is life

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. 

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. 

Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.

Jinjuuriki Syndrome

a state of a person wherein he /she feels utterly alone, abandoned, that nobody loves him/her, that there is like a black hole or an endless pit hole in his/her heart. Feels that nobody loves, understands or more often than not, thinks that people are afraid of him/her. And sometimes may lead to anger or pessimistic approach in life. but if found the right people, may result to being hard working, lively, fun to be with or a good friend.

How did I get here?

Strange to think that at some point in my life i had dreams of owning a home overseas with 3 people i don't speak to anymore for reasons to adult for my current state of being.

Its weird to think that i was actually brought up in a culdasac in London, my mother pregnant with my sister at the age of 17 in a rough area, its weird that I've seen a man be stabbed multiple times.

Even more weird to think that we moved to such a small area to "Get away from it all", pretty cool that she went to Uni, twice, to give us a better future.

Damn it's hard to think about when i was in year 4-11 i was the worst student ever, i was such a little wimp,  had no charisma, never even spoken to a girl besides my mum and my friend group consisted of two dudes.

Its hard to think i'd sit playing Halo 3 for 6-12 hours everyday after school, not knowing or caring what alcohol was, not knowing or caring what drugs were and i wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the thought of a girl.

Its Hard to think that in year 11 a girl actually made me scrap all those ideas and in turn change me entirely, and at the same time its weird to think its all her doing that i even passed my GCSE's, this kinda makes me happy.

Its odd to think that even after this i joined a christian youth group and became friends with people that would introduce me to something more awesome than anyone.

I find it hard to believe that those where my streak of luck started there and finished there, its hard to think i found a job, started a relationship, spoke once to my father, gained a stable friend group and for some reason got this God like charisma, Its like my only good feature.

It sucks that with age and experience i got this horrible life mindset, sure it makes me more useful in a sense but its something i feel i could do without, i enjoyed year 12 jay, he was carefree and happy.

Now i'm here, i went from a little shit, to i guess a bigger shit? but less of an immature shit, and more realism asshole.

How'd i get here?

Kommand of Krust

Ku- Ku- Ku- Ku- Ku- Ku-Krust!

Musky as hell,

Gross! (gross!).

Ew.

Baby gurl, dont go, babyyy gurrlll.

END.

FIN.

(A little Poem for Kirsty Dunk, formerly known as Krust - hope you're doing well)

Thought Distillery

Lacking in any kind of thought that wouldn't be an indirect message to someone who may read this, my mind brews with things i want to say but there are people who may not want to hear it. But saying this without saying it i know not weather how they would react.

The things i want to say involve

1. Regret
2. Paranoia
3. Fear
4. And a Picnic 

It seems the more I try to connect with the world
I am feeling more alone than I ever have felt before
I wanna pick up the phone, ask my dad how to handle it
But what will happen cause my dad’s not there to answer it?

Skin Diamond

Its been a while since race has been a subject I cared about, being a man of color has always been hard, the “Harmless jokes” the Stereotypes and even the occasional step to far, but I've let it slide mostly because I have the false view that sooner or later people will just “Leave it” a view that today has been changed.

There have been times in which I have been ridiculed because of my various “Black features” my nose, my ears, my lips and the fact I am neither black nor white has been a big topic for laughs for a lot of people. I've been bullied so much for my color that I actually had to move schools… Twice.

In year six it was only minor and only a few people, but I felt the need to attend a different school. Once settled in there I was given the commonly used nickname “Little Nig”. Now I look back and think about how they were just kids and they didn't know any better, but when adults and even my friends give out there opinions on race, while I’m in the room, and the opinion just happens to be about me 100% now that’s something I don’t agree with.

So this is what happened, I have a co-worker who until this day I thought a friend. We are finishing clearing up the dining room and we start talking about “Things we don’t like” it’s all fun and games until she says, and I quote because this has been stuck in my head since she said it “I don’t like the cross breeding of colors, I think that blacks should stick to their own race, usually the father just leaves and the child is left to be teased by other people and it’s just not fair on them” At first I took it on the chin but that shit dug into me, that’s me and she’s right, not only was she racist but she was right. I come from London, where black fathers leave their white girlfriends all the time due to fear of bringing up a child, not only that but white kids think less of them, parents judge both the “Bastard child” as well as the “Whore of a mother” and she’s right, it’s not fair on them. This is what discusses me, I've seen many functioning same race parents living good lives with their kids, but I've seen some where the same race parents aren't together. But, I actually have never, ever seen a successful mixed race family , not in London, not here and that bothers me a lot. Statistics show that parents abandoning their children are at an all-time high, it’s also fact that amounts these abandonment's black fathers are the highest percentage of deserters next to the Chinese.

The Icing on top of this cake I so easily digested was that a friend of mine, someone I consider a best friend, someone I've known since before I transferred schools said “I don’t find colored men attractive enough to date” Now because she’s my friend I would have usually let something as insensitive as that slide, but she basically just said she doesn't find my race, which includes me attractive, to my face and in front of other people. And the delicious Ironic milk that washes down the cake is I spent a good two years trying to make her like me as both a friend for one year and in a romantic sense for another, this just adds even more insult to the injury. She wasn't even considerate about how mi might feel as she said it.

I haven’t been hurt like this a while, I remember the pain though because its like a disappointing sting.