Couldn't think of a name so here: Posh Sank

A chaotic neutral character follows his whims. He is an individualist first and last. He values his own liberty but doesn't strive to protect others' freedom. He avoids authority, resents restrictions, and challenges traditions.

Bang, that's me.

Now the chaotic neutral might sound like a dick and act like a dick, but his intentions are for the best... or for his entertainment, either way he is right. A chaotic neutral character may be unpredictable, but his behavior is not totally random. He is not as likely to jump off a bridge as to cross it.

I may throw in some sweet lyrics i have heard/made in the middle of this because i can

Uni so far has been a morally changing experience for me, i know whats right and wrong now and i chose not to follow either, i'm on my own path but everyone acts like they've seen the road i walk on. Sure I've done some things that were "bad" but that was in the past, my views have changed, my opinion on things has changed; Some things I've learned to savor like good company or a nice home cooked meal, and some things i now loathe because of uni like certain types of people or doing my stupid laundry.

"We are the dreams of our parents lost in the future
Who hide the deepest desires and wear a mask like a lucha-Door"

There really is no point to what i'm writing i just like to switch from blog to blog and posting whats going on in my fucked up head. it used to be that i'd just think about sex and killing myself, one of those is gone (the sex) kinda looking to mix my life up a little and take the slow route for once...

I'm mad again at something id totally gotten over like a year ago, i'd gotten over the fact that you made me look like a dick head, or told people that i was "In love with you" or even saying i didn't care when i did (literally the worst thing a girl can do to you is call you up on a crush saying you didn't give a shit when you actually did, that shits soul crushing dude) i want to be your friend, but you make that god awful hard.

The topic of love is a strong one at the moment, many different conflicting ideals and dilemmas that could potentially ruin this Christmas for me, my minds doing that thing again where it re-runs images and clips of various experiences I've had in order to tease me. what a dick.

fuzzy feelings for people i can never have and the worst part is i'm shit at reading signals so unless someone tells me they like me i just assume i'm a fucking dickhead and all girls hate me ahahahahah

"She say she feel alone all the time, I'm similar
I meet her in my dreams on the moon, I visit her
Every night I text her "I wanna solve the world, I think I need your help"
She text me "How you gon' trust somebody when you don't trust yourself?"

The subject matter of my friends comes up, i may have fucked up my best friends relationship by being a selfish prick. Uni's going great though, i made some close net friends, renting the house with some bros next year.

"Man made the Web, you don't need a name
Man made of faults, I ain't too ashamed
Every thought I had, put it in a box
Read it all aloud conscience telling me to stop"

The real frosting on my shitty day cake is the fact that i ordered the most awesome Pokemon/Christmas jumper 28 days ago from america with 10 days shipping and it still hasn't come for fuck sake.

Dude i haven't had a good nights sleep in 2 months, the sleeping pills don't work and i doze off at 3:45 every night and wake up feeling like shit.

Hol'up wait a minute H20 + My D that's my hood i'm living in it. - Gambino

Peace,

Jay.

When life gives you lemons, stick to lemonade

Sometimes life will hand you a bunch of lemons, only a few of which you will to keep, perhaps because your lemonade will get to sour? or perhaps you cannot hold as many lemons as life wants to give you. So you keep the quaint group of lemons and you drink up the perfectly balanced soda.

Occasionally life will give you a lemon bigger and more ripe than the rest, this lemon is clearly better than any other you have revived and as good as you think the lemon will taste in the lemonade you think this one may make an exceptional cheesecake or meringue pie. so you go through the process of getting the ingredients needed to create this new masterpiece, assembling them and making sure the measurements of ingredients are as exact as you can get them. However sometimes you can overcook a cheesecake or a pie and ruin it entirely, some may be salvaged and taste great, but the overall product is a waste of what could have been more great lemonade. leave a lemon pie in the over too long and it will spoil, to short and it wont be done and you will have to wait even longer to appreciate its taste.

My lemonade tastes great, my lemons are great but occasionally i will fuck up a new recipe and this in turn makes me doubt my own ability's to cook.

What i'm saying here is: Don't leave the good lemons in the oven too long.

My Fault

I don't know what to write, i guess i should say i deserve the opinion you have on me.
but i feel as though if you gave me a chance i wouldn't be as lame as you may think.




DEPRESSION IS FOR SQUARES.

Only you can overcome the struggle that is life

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. 

It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. 

Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility.

Jinjuuriki Syndrome

a state of a person wherein he /she feels utterly alone, abandoned, that nobody loves him/her, that there is like a black hole or an endless pit hole in his/her heart. Feels that nobody loves, understands or more often than not, thinks that people are afraid of him/her. And sometimes may lead to anger or pessimistic approach in life. but if found the right people, may result to being hard working, lively, fun to be with or a good friend.

How did I get here?

Strange to think that at some point in my life i had dreams of owning a home overseas with 3 people i don't speak to anymore for reasons to adult for my current state of being.

Its weird to think that i was actually brought up in a culdasac in London, my mother pregnant with my sister at the age of 17 in a rough area, its weird that I've seen a man be stabbed multiple times.

Even more weird to think that we moved to such a small area to "Get away from it all", pretty cool that she went to Uni, twice, to give us a better future.

Damn it's hard to think about when i was in year 4-11 i was the worst student ever, i was such a little wimp,  had no charisma, never even spoken to a girl besides my mum and my friend group consisted of two dudes.

Its hard to think i'd sit playing Halo 3 for 6-12 hours everyday after school, not knowing or caring what alcohol was, not knowing or caring what drugs were and i wouldn't even bat an eyelash at the thought of a girl.

Its Hard to think that in year 11 a girl actually made me scrap all those ideas and in turn change me entirely, and at the same time its weird to think its all her doing that i even passed my GCSE's, this kinda makes me happy.

Its odd to think that even after this i joined a christian youth group and became friends with people that would introduce me to something more awesome than anyone.

I find it hard to believe that those where my streak of luck started there and finished there, its hard to think i found a job, started a relationship, spoke once to my father, gained a stable friend group and for some reason got this God like charisma, Its like my only good feature.

It sucks that with age and experience i got this horrible life mindset, sure it makes me more useful in a sense but its something i feel i could do without, i enjoyed year 12 jay, he was carefree and happy.

Now i'm here, i went from a little shit, to i guess a bigger shit? but less of an immature shit, and more realism asshole.

How'd i get here?

Kommand of Krust

Ku- Ku- Ku- Ku- Ku- Ku-Krust!

Musky as hell,

Gross! (gross!).

Ew.

Baby gurl, dont go, babyyy gurrlll.

END.

FIN.

(A little Poem for Kirsty Dunk, formerly known as Krust - hope you're doing well)

Thought Distillery

Lacking in any kind of thought that wouldn't be an indirect message to someone who may read this, my mind brews with things i want to say but there are people who may not want to hear it. But saying this without saying it i know not weather how they would react.

The things i want to say involve

1. Regret
2. Paranoia
3. Fear
4. And a Picnic 

It seems the more I try to connect with the world
I am feeling more alone than I ever have felt before
I wanna pick up the phone, ask my dad how to handle it
But what will happen cause my dad’s not there to answer it?

Skin Diamond

Its been a while since race has been a subject I cared about, being a man of color has always been hard, the “Harmless jokes” the Stereotypes and even the occasional step to far, but I've let it slide mostly because I have the false view that sooner or later people will just “Leave it” a view that today has been changed.

There have been times in which I have been ridiculed because of my various “Black features” my nose, my ears, my lips and the fact I am neither black nor white has been a big topic for laughs for a lot of people. I've been bullied so much for my color that I actually had to move schools… Twice.

In year six it was only minor and only a few people, but I felt the need to attend a different school. Once settled in there I was given the commonly used nickname “Little Nig”. Now I look back and think about how they were just kids and they didn't know any better, but when adults and even my friends give out there opinions on race, while I’m in the room, and the opinion just happens to be about me 100% now that’s something I don’t agree with.

So this is what happened, I have a co-worker who until this day I thought a friend. We are finishing clearing up the dining room and we start talking about “Things we don’t like” it’s all fun and games until she says, and I quote because this has been stuck in my head since she said it “I don’t like the cross breeding of colors, I think that blacks should stick to their own race, usually the father just leaves and the child is left to be teased by other people and it’s just not fair on them” At first I took it on the chin but that shit dug into me, that’s me and she’s right, not only was she racist but she was right. I come from London, where black fathers leave their white girlfriends all the time due to fear of bringing up a child, not only that but white kids think less of them, parents judge both the “Bastard child” as well as the “Whore of a mother” and she’s right, it’s not fair on them. This is what discusses me, I've seen many functioning same race parents living good lives with their kids, but I've seen some where the same race parents aren't together. But, I actually have never, ever seen a successful mixed race family , not in London, not here and that bothers me a lot. Statistics show that parents abandoning their children are at an all-time high, it’s also fact that amounts these abandonment's black fathers are the highest percentage of deserters next to the Chinese.

The Icing on top of this cake I so easily digested was that a friend of mine, someone I consider a best friend, someone I've known since before I transferred schools said “I don’t find colored men attractive enough to date” Now because she’s my friend I would have usually let something as insensitive as that slide, but she basically just said she doesn't find my race, which includes me attractive, to my face and in front of other people. And the delicious Ironic milk that washes down the cake is I spent a good two years trying to make her like me as both a friend for one year and in a romantic sense for another, this just adds even more insult to the injury. She wasn't even considerate about how mi might feel as she said it.

I haven’t been hurt like this a while, I remember the pain though because its like a disappointing sting.